I just read the EU election results. It appears the Tories are ontop, with UKIP coming in a close second and Labour in a head hanging shameful 3rd. To put it bluntly Britain is going down the political shitter, and anyone remaining here is on a long and chaotic ride into the sewer of obscurity with the rest of the democratic faeces of the world.
How do I know this? Because once I had an intimate knowledge of professional wrestling.
Before I developed into the refined individual I am now, I was for a period stuck in my late teens. Often after an evening of experimental indulgence, I would wake up with some sort of drug induced hangover at around one in the afternoon.
I developed a routine that involved visiting the kitchen where I would make some sobering marmite toast and orange juice, then shuffle into the front room flick on the TV to spend the afternoon watching WWF (before it legally became a panada) and music television.
This continued pattern of behaviour allowed me to observe with intrigue and analysis the social constructs which gave me a remarkable insight into the inner workings of the social science we call politics.
You see, professional wrestling is a bit like a time lapse version of real world politics. In fact I’m sure if you record 24hours of the BBC parliament channel and speed it up by factor of 1000, it resembles about a minute of professional televised wrestling.
The beauty of professional wrestling revolves around a fairly simple storyline that repeats it’s self over and over again with minor superficial changes.
At the beginning of this loop there exists two main characters a hero and a villain, invariably the villain is the hero of the past who has become corrupt by too much power. As he becomes corrupt his hortatory deeds are slowly revealed to the baying masses ringside, and a feeling of discontent is gently seeded, growing into a tidal wave of hatred and loathing.
During this point an underdog is also presented to the crowd. Someone with the unrecognised athletic prowess who has the potential to be the new champion of the people. However, he inevitably falls foul of the corrupt current champion who halts his title shots with bureaucracy or uses favours from other powerful wrestlers to prevent himself from being usurped.
This scenario is carefully inflated to a point where the bubble of crowd and fan outrage is ready to burst until finally in one climatically cathartic moment of televisual ejaculation, the villain is defeated and the just prevail and win their well deserved title.
Then after a brief interlude of nothing much, enough time has past for the crowd to forget the events of the past and the story starts again.
But I hear you cry, how can such a simple tale be applied to politics, which is far more important and relevant to people’s lives?
Well, my theory is this: people are implicitly looking for the easiest solution, thinking is hard and tiring, a black and white solution is much easier to make a decision on and hence far more appealing than one that requires actual thought. When you consider that millions of people subscribe to the spectacle that is professional wrestling, is it really that much of a jump to think they will be manipulated in the political arena in much the same ways?
In fact, politicians might learn some pretty useful lessons from pro wrestling if they actually analysed it correctly.
In relating this to current politics, I think the labour party at the moment is very much taking the evil corrupt champion role with Gordon Brown looking more and more like Steve Austin.
Mr Cameron is trying desperately to be the underdog probably trying to emulate the rock but actually coming across more like Kurt Angle without the psychotic prestige and wife beating tendencies.
I like the way Brown has called upon Alan Sugar as a sort of Vince McMahon figure to help him retain his standing, but with the expenses fallacy has lost the support of the undertaker, Kane and probably the big show.
Of course nothing is set in stone, who knows who could come out of the woodwork to swing the balances. One thing though that I’m incredibly weary of was when a moment in wrestling where McMahon and stone cold got too caught up fighting each other they let The Radicalz (Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko) take slip in unnoticed, now fortunately in professional wrestling this was short lived and they got kicked out pretty quickly. In reality however letting parties like UKIP and the BNP though the door, even if a mistake could have far reaching consequences for the future of the UK and Europe and end up setting back our advanced liberal society by decades. Something I for one am very keen on not letting happen.